Your Horoscope For Today

Your Horoscope For Today

Aries: You should avoid the high cost of living this week. A nice cave somewhere would help you cut expenses. Give up eating, as well. Get your gameboy and bring plenty of batteries.

Taurus: If nothing else, try being friendly with the pit bull down the street. Bring a hefty bone, or offer your own arm. Raise your caffeine intake and try to take in a few horror movies with a hostile in-law.

Gemini: They are watching you. Who “they” are is unknown, but they see your every move. One mistake, no matter how small, and “they” will descend on you. Steal socks from the laundromat.

Cancer: Getting ahead in life requires some drastic steps. Carry a baseball bat when you need to engage in “severe negotiations”. Got a traffic ticket? Get medieval! Daughter on the phone all day? Time for a spontaneous face-lift! Call Madam Wanda’s Psychic Hotline all day tomorrow and reverse the phone charges.

Leo: Wear cleats today. In fact, wear them every day! Get those really sharp kind. Perfect for walking over people as you barge through in life. Watch old Mister Ed re-runs with a gerbil companion.

Virgo: It’s time to get rid of your used bubblegum collection. You wonder why no one visits? That is why. Disgusting! Your lucky number is elephant.

Libra: Today is the day to do everything that your mother told you not to do. Go ahead and make that face. Who cares if it gets stuck that way? Finish your meal? Not for all the starving children in China! Furthermore, the folks at the office cannot get enough of those xerox copies of your nasal passages. Make plenty to go around!

Scorpio: Ah, to be in love! Too bad you are dating a convict. And he is getting out next week, isn’t he? Invest in deodorant. While you are at it, buy a lottery ticket. Hey, it could happen!

Sagittarius: Getting that feeling like you did all this before? Yeah, you have. You are stuck in an unbreakable time-loop and there’s no getting out. Try to get stuck in a pleasant moment, like when arranging flowers. Avoid getting stuck eating that same piece of brocolli for the mext hundred years.

Capricorn: Get off the couch and go empty your bank account! The world is coming to an end! Make sure that your insurance is paid up. Invest in higher education for sheep.

Aquarius: Milk. Drink lots of milk. Why? You need to dilute the poison someone just slipped you while you were reading this horoscope. No milk? Cancel Christmas. Drop two angry beavers into your bathtub just before bath time.

Pisces: Have you ever wished that you thought up that brilliant idea that was worth millions? Well, you did. Someone else just read your mind and stole it. On a side note, try to collect as much Monopoly money as you can, because the Dollar is going to sink faster than the Titanic!